Relationship

 

“A relationship where you can be weird together is your best choice.”

- Paulo Coelho

A mother was preparing little Ramesh to go to a party. When she finished combing is hair, she straightened his shirt collar and said, “Go now son, have a good time and behave yourself”.

“Come on mother please decide, what exactly do you want me to do. To have fun or to behave myself. Because both are not possible.” Ramesh said.

The child’s response is really of tremendous value. He has clarity that, if you allow me to have a good time then I cannot behave if you want me to behave then I cannot have a good time. The child can see the contradiction so clearly it may not have been apparent to the mother.

Are we any different? If we behave ourselves, we can’t have good time in relationships and if we want to have good time, we are no more ourselves. Isn’t it funny? We need to constantly adapt, adjust, align and accept many things to sustain the pleasantness in relationships.

One of the few things which is common to all human beings is ‘relationships’. Isn’t it? And, as you know, there are different kinds of relationships. Some are personal and some professional. Some intimate and some superficial or complicated.

Our relationships are a funny thing. The irony is we can’t live without relationships and we can't even live happily within relationships. Some relationships bring more pain than joy. So, the real question is, ‘how to make our relationships more pleasant, less painful’?

Why relationships?

But the purpose of most relationships happens to be ‘Need fulfillment or Desire fulfillment’. We get something from each other, and that need binds us in a relationship.

I know it might sound uncomfortable, blunt, brutal or unjustified to some of us, but that's just what it is, my friends. Our desire or need can even be to help, support or give, but there has to be some need or desire that you wish to fulfill. Think about it!

We all have heard the quote, if not used already, “I am a self-made person.” And we also must have heard this advice that we should be self-sufficient and should not be dependent on other(s), else we sound clingy. With all due respect to all those who have used these phrases I would like to say that “dependence on other(s) is inevitable for every human being”. All these phrases are nothing but arrogance or ignorance.

To be born, we need parents and doctor’s support. Human child is the most helpless creature, whose very survival is totally dependent on parents or other humans. Whatever we know today or whatever we have ever achieved was always supported by someone else. “One is not a sufficient number to achieve significant success”. Well, we may have paid for certain services that we availed but it does not take away our dependence on other(s). It only shows that we are thankless ignorant. That’s it. Even to go back from this world, we need people support. Isn’t it? The dead hardware needs to be disposed by others.

During our lifetime we all experience survival dependence, financial dependence and emotional dependence. Parents, teachers, doctors, brother, sisters, friends, colleagues, customers and even foes are all human beings on whom we depend for many things. What is the fun of achieving success, if there is no one to show off? So, even competition helps us to become better. Think about it. So, we can’t live without relationships and obviously our intention is to have pleasant and productive relationships. However, in reality no relationship gives anything permanently. Therefore, one must need to learn how to cultivate and handle a relationship. Managing relationship is an infinite game, where we need to constantly remain aware and adjust as per the demand of situation. There will never be a time where you can take your eye away from the ball. It needs constant juggling. Whether it’s tiring or entertaining depends on our outlook and expectations.

As per my little understanding, minimum four components are required to have a reasonably pleasant relationship.

The first component is, Trust.

If we trust the other person, then the other things can be worked out. You cannot have a healthy relationship without it. And yet, virtually all of us can recall a scenario where our trust has been broken. We need to work hard on ourselves to become trustworthy. Honouring your informal commitments with 100% commitment, refraining from backbiting, consistency of positive behaviour, avoid boasting about yourself and avoid criticizing unnecessarily are some of the steps that can help people to trust you. 

The second component is, Respect.

There are many people that we trust but may not necessarily respect them. Respect here will not be determined by age, relation, or position. But by the fact that in its absence, a genuine relationship cannot last very long. Listening well without judgment, focus on the strength/potential not only weakness, careful use of language are some of the signs whether or not we respect the other.

The third component is Communication. For any relationship to thrive, clear communication is a must. There should be a safe space to express your feelings, both positive and negative. Communication gap leads to misunderstanding, miscommunication and ultimately end of relation, though in some cases the contract may still carry on.

The fourth but most critical component is Patience. Expecting the other person to match your speed, skill, style and attitude will lead to disappointment. Every person is unique and so is their pace. Do not be in a hurry to throw in the towel. As per Vedanta, only gradual changes can be sustained. All good things take time. Forgiving the mistakes gracefully is a must trait for maintaining relationships.

We must understand and accept the fact that relationships, like tender plants, need to be watered and nourished every day. That is how they grow and evolve. Do not expect them to remain the same. As I sometimes share in my programs that “Expecting a static relationship status with dynamic beings is bound to lead towards disappointment and frustrations”. Think about it!

Therefore, one must learn to accept the dynamism of relationships. We must focus on maintaining Trust, Respect, Communication and Patience. For any relationship to grow both the partners must grow. Always remember, “All relationships grow, some grow together other grow apart.” I would like to conclude by saying that relationship is all about two things: First, appreciating the similarities and second, respecting the differences.

“Expecting a static relationship with a dynamic being is an unreasonable expectation.” 

– Suresh Mohan Semwal

 

Commitment

“Motivation is what gets you started. Commitment is what keeps you going”. 

Are you interested in good health, cordial relationships, prosperity, respect, and happiness? I know the universal answer would be an emphatic ‘Yes’. Isn’t it? 

Now, if I may ask you, are you committed to get all of the above? 

We all want or desire all the great things and experiences, but only till the time they are convenient to get. Isn’t it? Given a choice who would not want to have a healthy body? But the challenge is to control diet, regular exercise. Isn’t it? 

How many of us ever thought of learning to play some musical instrument or to play some sport at professional level? Many, I guess. But then what stopped us from achieving the goal? We were interested, but not committed. What is commitment? How do I know whether I am committed or not? 

I may be interested in helping all mankind, but my family welfare is my commitment. What is the difference? 

Commitment is an act of visible willingness. 

Does this sound familiar to you? 

• I would have loved to join this course, but I don’t have time?
• When I started learning tennis, I was super excited but now, I need to pull myself for every game.
• I really want to know if my loved one or friend is committed to me.
• I broke up due to lack of commitment from the other person.
• All was just going great, it’s just that feeling of insecurity which made us drift apart.

We are interested in everything till the time it’s easy or convenient. We do things till the time and circumstances are favorable, but when you are committed to something you make no excuses and focus on results. 

What percentage of commitment do we expect from our soldiers, doctors, drivers, teachers, sportsperson or family members? Of course, 100%. Will 99% be sufficient? No. How would you feel if your lover tells you that I am committed to you 99%. You will be more worried about that 1%. Isn’t it? We need 100% commitment from others 100% of times. What are we 100% committed to? 

Dashrath Manjhi, also known as Mountain Man, was a laborer in Gehlaur village, near Gaya in Bihar, India, who carved a path 110 m long (360 ft), 9.1 m (30 ft) wide and 7.7 m (25 ft) deep through a ridge of hills using only a hammer and chisel. After 22 years of work, Dashrath shortened travel between the Atri and Wazirganj blocks of Gaya town from 55 km to 15 km. His story is an apt example of commitment towards cause. There is also a Hindi movie made on his life “Manjhi- The Mountain Man”. It is an amazing love story too. Everyone must watch it. 

Whether we are committed or not is reflected in following traits: 

1. Sacrifice
2. Flexibility

3. Patience

Sacrifice: 

Every commitment requires a sacrifice. Once you make a commitment, you give up some freedom. By choosing to commit to one thing, you may have to give up other things. 

What are you willing to sacrifice? Nothing significant has ever been achieved without significant sacrifice. When India was under British Rule before 1947, majority of Indians were interested in independence, but there were only very few who were willing to sacrifice their lives, livelihood, and family. Subhash Chandra Bose, Bhagat Singh, Ram Prasad Bismil are some of the names who sacrificed everything to get independence for our country. They were not just interested, but committed to attain freedom. 

Every committed person is willing to pay the price. To attain peak of our health we need to sacrifice taste, comfort, and temptations. To attain cordial relationships, we must sacrifice our ego. Isn’t it? 

“If you don’t sacrifice for what you want, what you want will be the sacrifice”. Think about it. 

Consistency: We get motivated for a while and start many things but do not take them through. We may have taken some initiative, but what we lack is completing them. Completion requires consistency of efforts. Do not judge yourself or others because of random behaviour. Our routine behaviour determines our life. It is not what we do once in a while that shapes our lives, it’s what we do consistently. 

Consistent efforts bring consistent results. 

Not throwing the towel (boxing game rule) in between is the key. We all have made certain sacrifices in our lives, but very few are able to maintain the consistency. Consistency means remaining focused despite deviations, distractions, obstacles, failures, or criticism. 

“It is consistency which transforms average into excellence.” 

Flexibility: Commitment and flexibility might sound contradictory here but let me explain this. To fulfill the commitment a person must be fixated towards the goal, but flexible in approach. The problem comes when it is the other way around. When you are fixated in your approach, but flexible in goals. A committed person will be willing to let go of his ego and be willing to change the methodology to get desired results. They will be willing to change their approach, rather than lose sight of the goal. “Be fixated towards your goals but flexible in your approach”. 

Patience: Patience is a human virtue. Animals have tolerance but only humans can claim patience. Sometimes you need patience to deal with circumstances that are beyond your control. These are your "life hassles." Something as trivial as getting stuck in a traffic line, for instance, or waiting for a computer program to load. 

Patience is a maturity to show what to control and what to let go. Patience is the ability to stay calm while you are waiting for an outcome that you need or want. It is having learnt what is worth your time. In general, being patient means that you're more likely viewed positively by your co-workers and managers (and your family and friends). You'll likely be a better team worker, and more focused and productive. 

You may consider some people to be slow learners, hard to understand, or even downright unreasonable. Or, they may have bad habits that drive you crazy. But losing your patience with them will be of no benefit, and it may make matters worse. 

Patience and understanding towards others is essential when you're onboarding new staff, or when you're delegating tasks. It's also a huge help in dealing with difficult co-workers or managers, and it's central to high-quality customer service. Dashrath Manjhi worked for 22 years alone to make that road. Similarly there is an Indian Forest Man- Jadhav Payeng, who kept working patiently for more than 3 decades and is still working to cultivate a whole forest on a barren land. 

Life of Jadhav Payeng is a fantastic example of human will & commitment. Jadav "Molai" Payeng (born 1963) is an environmental activist and forestry worker from Majuli, popularly known as the Forest Man of India. Over the course of several decades, he has planted and tended trees on a sandbar of the river Brahmaputra turning it into a forest reserve. The forest, called Molai forest after him is located near Kokilamukh of Jorhat, Assam, India and encompasses an area of about 1,360 acres / 550 hectares. In 2015, he was honoured with Padma Shri, the fourth highest civilian award in India. He was born in the indigenous Mising tribe of Assam. I would recommend that you search for him on Youtube and get inspiration from such a simple but committed person. 

Answer these simple questions to know how committed you are: 

1. Are you doing your best you can?
2. Are they one-time effort or continuous?
3. Do you feel fulfilling while making these adjustments, efforts, or sacrifices?
4. Are you focused on your goal? Are you able to manage distractions and temptations?

I think if we honestly answer the above questions, we will have absolute clarity about our commitment levels. Think about it. 

“When confronted with a challenge, the committed heart search for a solution. The undecided heart searches for an escape.” 

- Andy Andrews

Compassion: From Passion to Compassion

In this current competitive world, passion seems to be a necessity to thrive. So much has been spoken and written about the importance of it and rightly so. However, the sign of maturity is when one attains compassion. In passion one may hurt others, but in compassion we help others. In passion, the focus is on self, in compassion the focus is on upliftment of the other. Passion is good and compassion is the best human virtue. 

What kind of a person would you want in your neighborhood, passionate or compassionate? The answer is simple, compassionate. Are you a compassionate neighbor? Don’t you think that the world today needs more compassion than ever before? Most of the world problem can be solved if people, especially world leaders, start practicing compassion passionately.

What exactly is compassion? As per dictionary, ‘sympathetic pity and concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of others’ is called compassion. Compassion motivates people to go out of their way to help the physical, mental, or emotional pains of another and themselves. 

Compassion is a heart quality. We all have it, yes, you read it right, we all are compassionate people and we practice it perfectly. Intrigued? Unbelievable? I understand. We all practice compassion daily towards our own selves, isn’t it? Have you not observed that how quickly we forgive our own mistakes? How easy it is to justify anything and everything that we do or don’t do? The sign of evolution however, is, when we start practicing it towards others too.

So, what is true compassion?

“True compassion is not just a passive emotional feeling, but a firm commitment founded on action.

Compassion is a step ahead to the feeling the pain and the need. If you are moved to take some action, you demonstrate true compassion. Compassion without action is just observation. Compassion is not just feeling for someone who is in pain or need. Therefore, a truly compassionate attitude towards others does not change even if they behave negatively. Through universal altruism, you develop a feeling of responsibility for others: the wish to help them actively to overcome their problems.”

It is about healing others. Completing your task without hurting others – emotionally, mentally, or physically. It’s a hard work! A warm smile, respectful greeting, gesture of care, help, any act of well-being for others same as to yourself is a sign of true compassion. Compassion is a sincere action driven approach to change the situation. If you are going to practice compassion, be prepared to take action.

I had the great fortune and privilege of meeting His Holiness, Dalai Lama, who in my view is the Himalaya of Compassion, an ocean of humility and a brand ambassador of humanity. He lost his freedom at the age of 16, lost his country at the age of 24 and for the last 56 years, has been living in India. He has been in exile and very seldom gets any good news about his country’s independence movement. Yet, you must have never noticed any fiery, aggressive, or hateful speech from him ever. His ever-smiling face, calm and humble demeanor has never changed. He is the living example of compassion. I sincerely admire his simplicity and compassionate attitude even towards his so called enemies. He puts it beautifully in his sayings too.

“Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. 
Without them, humanity cannot survive.” 

~Dalai Lama

Qualities of a compassionate person:

• Sensitivity
• Empathy
• Sympathy
• Giving/helping/contributing
• Forgiveness
• Humility & Gratitude

Sensitivity: We are very sensitive beings, isn’t it? I get very easily offended by sarcastic tone, choice of wrong words, inappropriate gestures of others, but do I take care of these while interacting with others? I want others to focus on my intent/emotion (when I am angry) and neglect my words/behavior but do I provide the same privilege to others? We are excellent lawyers in case of own mistake and punishing judge in case of others. Funny, isn’t it?

Empathy: Has it happened with you sometimes that you found it amusing how someone was shaking head in a very rhythmic way and you were confused about the mental state of that person until you saw a Bluetooth headphone plugged in that person’s ear? You were making judgments on the basis of head movement without being aware of the music being played in head. Similarly, we don’t know what stories or experiences the other may be going through but we are quick to judge on the basis of behavior. We are often unaware of the pain another person carries inside. So, when someone does something that rubs you the wrong way, take a moment and think of this story.

Sympathy: A true story reported in a Reader’s Digest column explains this well. A father and his three children got on a bus in central London. The father was lost in his own thoughts, and the kids, being unsupervised, were loud and disruptive to the other passengers.

Finally, a lady in a nearby seat leaned over to the father and said, “You really need to parent your children better. They are so unruly.” The father, shaken from his reverie, says, “I’m so sorry. Their mother, my wife, just died and we are returning from her funeral. I think we are all a little overwhelmed. I apologize.”

Giving or helping or contributing: In receiving there is pleasure but in giving there is bliss, satisfaction, peace. However, is doing something for others a selfless act?

The answer is ‘Yes and no’.

Yes, because most of the times one must go through some inconvenience and sacrifices to help/heal others. One may not even get any reciprocation from the person who is helped. In that regard, it seems to be selfless. You got nothing in return, except perhaps inconvenience.

No, because whenever we are feeling compassionate, we act out of our own volition to help or heal. In the process we may feel inconvenience, but at the end we get satisfaction, which is much more valuable than instant pleasures. In a way, we trade temporary pleasure with lifetime satisfaction. Isn’t that more profitable? Think about it. Wiser decision for self. Moreover, when we operate out of our own volition to help, we do not expect anything else in reciprocation, not even a thank you and therefore we save ourselves from the vicious cycle of expectations from others. If we think from this perspective it is hugely beneficial act for satisfaction, peace, and tranquility. Not a bad deal at all. 

“Have we ever done anything exclusively for the other?” It cannot be. We always get some psychological, emotional, or spiritual return which are way beyond more valuable than material returns.

Forgiveness: Do you make mistakes? Of course, unintentionally. Do you punish yourself on each mistake or forgive yourself with a warning? How do you deal with other’s mistakes? Forgiveness is a human virtue which helps us to cleanse our system from unnecessary grudges and other negativities.

“Every unpleasant behaviour at a deeper level is a cry for help.” Think about it. 

Whenever anyone (you and I included) fears any kind of loss or helplessness that triggers unpleasant behaviour. Isn’t it? We can clearly understand and appreciate that in our own case, but the real test of compassion is, when we start practicing it with others too. Learn to forgive, retain the lesson, but let go of grudges.

Humility & Gratitude:

A compassionate person feels self as a conduit not as a doer and therefore is always thankful for all experiences. He/she does not label any experience as good or bad rather accept it as divine will. A heart full of gratitude can never boast or complain. Humility becomes a natural trait not pretention (people like me pretend to be humble). Humility is an absence of arrogance. Humility is the ability to see our nothingness and appreciate our minuscule personality in this vast universe.   

My take:

Compassion towards self is natural and compassion towards others is a consciously nurtured behavior. However, with evolution and maturity, when a person is able to see everything as part of self or connected with everything, then compassion becomes our natural behavior. Your destiny is bound with the destinies of others. In the case of family, we do practice it to some extent. Therefore, we need to constantly work on ourselves to go deeper and tap the connection where we feel one with this universe. Then we become compassionate not just towards human beings but plants and animals too. When we feel connected to everything, we also feel responsible for everything. We can’t turn away.

Showing compassion to needy and weak is still easy, but the real challenge is practicing compassion with powerful and arrogant people. “It is the enemy who can truly teach us to practice the virtues of tolerance and compassion” – Dalai Lama.

This Romanian quote aptly provides some basic steps to start practicing compassion:

“Live without pretending, love without depending,

Listen without defending and speak without offending.”

Compassion is an action word with no boundaries.

Disclaimer:

I would just like to clarify that I have not personally reached a stage where I can forgive my enemies and pray for their well-being too. Therefore, I cannot recommend this practice to you too. However, we are not dealing with enemies all the time. In fact, enemies are less, and others are more. We should at least practice compassion towards our family, friends, colleagues, and strangers. Can we do that much? We can certainly try. I have worked on myself and it works. It gives peace and happiness. Of course, do not stop practicing compassion towards self too. We are not perfect, and we shall never be. We shall continue to make mistakes, hopefully new ones. So, learn to forgive yourself too. 

Now that you have read my little understanding on compassion, please show a little compassion in assessing this information. Think about it.