Relationship

 

“A relationship where you can be weird together is your best choice.”

- Paulo Coelho

A mother was preparing little Ramesh to go to a party. When she finished combing is hair, she straightened his shirt collar and said, “Go now son, have a good time and behave yourself”.

“Come on mother please decide, what exactly do you want me to do. To have fun or to behave myself. Because both are not possible.” Ramesh said.

The child’s response is really of tremendous value. He has clarity that, if you allow me to have a good time then I cannot behave if you want me to behave then I cannot have a good time. The child can see the contradiction so clearly it may not have been apparent to the mother.

Are we any different? If we behave ourselves, we can’t have good time in relationships and if we want to have good time, we are no more ourselves. Isn’t it funny? We need to constantly adapt, adjust, align and accept many things to sustain the pleasantness in relationships.

One of the few things which is common to all human beings is ‘relationships’. Isn’t it? And, as you know, there are different kinds of relationships. Some are personal and some professional. Some intimate and some superficial or complicated.

Our relationships are a funny thing. The irony is we can’t live without relationships and we can't even live happily within relationships. Some relationships bring more pain than joy. So, the real question is, ‘how to make our relationships more pleasant, less painful’?

Why relationships?

But the purpose of most relationships happens to be ‘Need fulfillment or Desire fulfillment’. We get something from each other, and that need binds us in a relationship.

I know it might sound uncomfortable, blunt, brutal or unjustified to some of us, but that's just what it is, my friends. Our desire or need can even be to help, support or give, but there has to be some need or desire that you wish to fulfill. Think about it!

We all have heard the quote, if not used already, “I am a self-made person.” And we also must have heard this advice that we should be self-sufficient and should not be dependent on other(s), else we sound clingy. With all due respect to all those who have used these phrases I would like to say that “dependence on other(s) is inevitable for every human being”. All these phrases are nothing but arrogance or ignorance.

To be born, we need parents and doctor’s support. Human child is the most helpless creature, whose very survival is totally dependent on parents or other humans. Whatever we know today or whatever we have ever achieved was always supported by someone else. “One is not a sufficient number to achieve significant success”. Well, we may have paid for certain services that we availed but it does not take away our dependence on other(s). It only shows that we are thankless ignorant. That’s it. Even to go back from this world, we need people support. Isn’t it? The dead hardware needs to be disposed by others.

During our lifetime we all experience survival dependence, financial dependence and emotional dependence. Parents, teachers, doctors, brother, sisters, friends, colleagues, customers and even foes are all human beings on whom we depend for many things. What is the fun of achieving success, if there is no one to show off? So, even competition helps us to become better. Think about it. So, we can’t live without relationships and obviously our intention is to have pleasant and productive relationships. However, in reality no relationship gives anything permanently. Therefore, one must need to learn how to cultivate and handle a relationship. Managing relationship is an infinite game, where we need to constantly remain aware and adjust as per the demand of situation. There will never be a time where you can take your eye away from the ball. It needs constant juggling. Whether it’s tiring or entertaining depends on our outlook and expectations.

As per my little understanding, minimum four components are required to have a reasonably pleasant relationship.

The first component is, Trust.

If we trust the other person, then the other things can be worked out. You cannot have a healthy relationship without it. And yet, virtually all of us can recall a scenario where our trust has been broken. We need to work hard on ourselves to become trustworthy. Honouring your informal commitments with 100% commitment, refraining from backbiting, consistency of positive behaviour, avoid boasting about yourself and avoid criticizing unnecessarily are some of the steps that can help people to trust you. 

The second component is, Respect.

There are many people that we trust but may not necessarily respect them. Respect here will not be determined by age, relation, or position. But by the fact that in its absence, a genuine relationship cannot last very long. Listening well without judgment, focus on the strength/potential not only weakness, careful use of language are some of the signs whether or not we respect the other.

The third component is Communication. For any relationship to thrive, clear communication is a must. There should be a safe space to express your feelings, both positive and negative. Communication gap leads to misunderstanding, miscommunication and ultimately end of relation, though in some cases the contract may still carry on.

The fourth but most critical component is Patience. Expecting the other person to match your speed, skill, style and attitude will lead to disappointment. Every person is unique and so is their pace. Do not be in a hurry to throw in the towel. As per Vedanta, only gradual changes can be sustained. All good things take time. Forgiving the mistakes gracefully is a must trait for maintaining relationships.

We must understand and accept the fact that relationships, like tender plants, need to be watered and nourished every day. That is how they grow and evolve. Do not expect them to remain the same. As I sometimes share in my programs that “Expecting a static relationship status with dynamic beings is bound to lead towards disappointment and frustrations”. Think about it!

Therefore, one must learn to accept the dynamism of relationships. We must focus on maintaining Trust, Respect, Communication and Patience. For any relationship to grow both the partners must grow. Always remember, “All relationships grow, some grow together other grow apart.” I would like to conclude by saying that relationship is all about two things: First, appreciating the similarities and second, respecting the differences.

“Expecting a static relationship with a dynamic being is an unreasonable expectation.” 

– Suresh Mohan Semwal