Relationship

 

“A relationship where you can be weird together is your best choice.”

- Paulo Coelho

A mother was preparing little Ramesh to go to a party. When she finished combing is hair, she straightened his shirt collar and said, “Go now son, have a good time and behave yourself”.

“Come on mother please decide, what exactly do you want me to do. To have fun or to behave myself. Because both are not possible.” Ramesh said.

The child’s response is really of tremendous value. He has clarity that, if you allow me to have a good time then I cannot behave if you want me to behave then I cannot have a good time. The child can see the contradiction so clearly it may not have been apparent to the mother.

Are we any different? If we behave ourselves, we can’t have good time in relationships and if we want to have good time, we are no more ourselves. Isn’t it funny? We need to constantly adapt, adjust, align and accept many things to sustain the pleasantness in relationships.

One of the few things which is common to all human beings is ‘relationships’. Isn’t it? And, as you know, there are different kinds of relationships. Some are personal and some professional. Some intimate and some superficial or complicated.

Our relationships are a funny thing. The irony is we can’t live without relationships and we can't even live happily within relationships. Some relationships bring more pain than joy. So, the real question is, ‘how to make our relationships more pleasant, less painful’?

Why relationships?

But the purpose of most relationships happens to be ‘Need fulfillment or Desire fulfillment’. We get something from each other, and that need binds us in a relationship.

I know it might sound uncomfortable, blunt, brutal or unjustified to some of us, but that's just what it is, my friends. Our desire or need can even be to help, support or give, but there has to be some need or desire that you wish to fulfill. Think about it!

We all have heard the quote, if not used already, “I am a self-made person.” And we also must have heard this advice that we should be self-sufficient and should not be dependent on other(s), else we sound clingy. With all due respect to all those who have used these phrases I would like to say that “dependence on other(s) is inevitable for every human being”. All these phrases are nothing but arrogance or ignorance.

To be born, we need parents and doctor’s support. Human child is the most helpless creature, whose very survival is totally dependent on parents or other humans. Whatever we know today or whatever we have ever achieved was always supported by someone else. “One is not a sufficient number to achieve significant success”. Well, we may have paid for certain services that we availed but it does not take away our dependence on other(s). It only shows that we are thankless ignorant. That’s it. Even to go back from this world, we need people support. Isn’t it? The dead hardware needs to be disposed by others.

During our lifetime we all experience survival dependence, financial dependence and emotional dependence. Parents, teachers, doctors, brother, sisters, friends, colleagues, customers and even foes are all human beings on whom we depend for many things. What is the fun of achieving success, if there is no one to show off? So, even competition helps us to become better. Think about it. So, we can’t live without relationships and obviously our intention is to have pleasant and productive relationships. However, in reality no relationship gives anything permanently. Therefore, one must need to learn how to cultivate and handle a relationship. Managing relationship is an infinite game, where we need to constantly remain aware and adjust as per the demand of situation. There will never be a time where you can take your eye away from the ball. It needs constant juggling. Whether it’s tiring or entertaining depends on our outlook and expectations.

As per my little understanding, minimum four components are required to have a reasonably pleasant relationship.

The first component is, Trust.

If we trust the other person, then the other things can be worked out. You cannot have a healthy relationship without it. And yet, virtually all of us can recall a scenario where our trust has been broken. We need to work hard on ourselves to become trustworthy. Honouring your informal commitments with 100% commitment, refraining from backbiting, consistency of positive behaviour, avoid boasting about yourself and avoid criticizing unnecessarily are some of the steps that can help people to trust you. 

The second component is, Respect.

There are many people that we trust but may not necessarily respect them. Respect here will not be determined by age, relation, or position. But by the fact that in its absence, a genuine relationship cannot last very long. Listening well without judgment, focus on the strength/potential not only weakness, careful use of language are some of the signs whether or not we respect the other.

The third component is Communication. For any relationship to thrive, clear communication is a must. There should be a safe space to express your feelings, both positive and negative. Communication gap leads to misunderstanding, miscommunication and ultimately end of relation, though in some cases the contract may still carry on.

The fourth but most critical component is Patience. Expecting the other person to match your speed, skill, style and attitude will lead to disappointment. Every person is unique and so is their pace. Do not be in a hurry to throw in the towel. As per Vedanta, only gradual changes can be sustained. All good things take time. Forgiving the mistakes gracefully is a must trait for maintaining relationships.

We must understand and accept the fact that relationships, like tender plants, need to be watered and nourished every day. That is how they grow and evolve. Do not expect them to remain the same. As I sometimes share in my programs that “Expecting a static relationship status with dynamic beings is bound to lead towards disappointment and frustrations”. Think about it!

Therefore, one must learn to accept the dynamism of relationships. We must focus on maintaining Trust, Respect, Communication and Patience. For any relationship to grow both the partners must grow. Always remember, “All relationships grow, some grow together other grow apart.” I would like to conclude by saying that relationship is all about two things: First, appreciating the similarities and second, respecting the differences.

“Expecting a static relationship with a dynamic being is an unreasonable expectation.” 

– Suresh Mohan Semwal

 

Commitment

“Motivation is what gets you started. Commitment is what keeps you going”. 

Are you interested in good health, cordial relationships, prosperity, respect, and happiness? I know the universal answer would be an emphatic ‘Yes’. Isn’t it? 

Now, if I may ask you, are you committed to get all of the above? 

We all want or desire all the great things and experiences, but only till the time they are convenient to get. Isn’t it? Given a choice who would not want to have a healthy body? But the challenge is to control diet, regular exercise. Isn’t it? 

How many of us ever thought of learning to play some musical instrument or to play some sport at professional level? Many, I guess. But then what stopped us from achieving the goal? We were interested, but not committed. What is commitment? How do I know whether I am committed or not? 

I may be interested in helping all mankind, but my family welfare is my commitment. What is the difference? 

Commitment is an act of visible willingness. 

Does this sound familiar to you? 

• I would have loved to join this course, but I don’t have time?
• When I started learning tennis, I was super excited but now, I need to pull myself for every game.
• I really want to know if my loved one or friend is committed to me.
• I broke up due to lack of commitment from the other person.
• All was just going great, it’s just that feeling of insecurity which made us drift apart.

We are interested in everything till the time it’s easy or convenient. We do things till the time and circumstances are favorable, but when you are committed to something you make no excuses and focus on results. 

What percentage of commitment do we expect from our soldiers, doctors, drivers, teachers, sportsperson or family members? Of course, 100%. Will 99% be sufficient? No. How would you feel if your lover tells you that I am committed to you 99%. You will be more worried about that 1%. Isn’t it? We need 100% commitment from others 100% of times. What are we 100% committed to? 

Dashrath Manjhi, also known as Mountain Man, was a laborer in Gehlaur village, near Gaya in Bihar, India, who carved a path 110 m long (360 ft), 9.1 m (30 ft) wide and 7.7 m (25 ft) deep through a ridge of hills using only a hammer and chisel. After 22 years of work, Dashrath shortened travel between the Atri and Wazirganj blocks of Gaya town from 55 km to 15 km. His story is an apt example of commitment towards cause. There is also a Hindi movie made on his life “Manjhi- The Mountain Man”. It is an amazing love story too. Everyone must watch it. 

Whether we are committed or not is reflected in following traits: 

1. Sacrifice
2. Flexibility

3. Patience

Sacrifice: 

Every commitment requires a sacrifice. Once you make a commitment, you give up some freedom. By choosing to commit to one thing, you may have to give up other things. 

What are you willing to sacrifice? Nothing significant has ever been achieved without significant sacrifice. When India was under British Rule before 1947, majority of Indians were interested in independence, but there were only very few who were willing to sacrifice their lives, livelihood, and family. Subhash Chandra Bose, Bhagat Singh, Ram Prasad Bismil are some of the names who sacrificed everything to get independence for our country. They were not just interested, but committed to attain freedom. 

Every committed person is willing to pay the price. To attain peak of our health we need to sacrifice taste, comfort, and temptations. To attain cordial relationships, we must sacrifice our ego. Isn’t it? 

“If you don’t sacrifice for what you want, what you want will be the sacrifice”. Think about it. 

Consistency: We get motivated for a while and start many things but do not take them through. We may have taken some initiative, but what we lack is completing them. Completion requires consistency of efforts. Do not judge yourself or others because of random behaviour. Our routine behaviour determines our life. It is not what we do once in a while that shapes our lives, it’s what we do consistently. 

Consistent efforts bring consistent results. 

Not throwing the towel (boxing game rule) in between is the key. We all have made certain sacrifices in our lives, but very few are able to maintain the consistency. Consistency means remaining focused despite deviations, distractions, obstacles, failures, or criticism. 

“It is consistency which transforms average into excellence.” 

Flexibility: Commitment and flexibility might sound contradictory here but let me explain this. To fulfill the commitment a person must be fixated towards the goal, but flexible in approach. The problem comes when it is the other way around. When you are fixated in your approach, but flexible in goals. A committed person will be willing to let go of his ego and be willing to change the methodology to get desired results. They will be willing to change their approach, rather than lose sight of the goal. “Be fixated towards your goals but flexible in your approach”. 

Patience: Patience is a human virtue. Animals have tolerance but only humans can claim patience. Sometimes you need patience to deal with circumstances that are beyond your control. These are your "life hassles." Something as trivial as getting stuck in a traffic line, for instance, or waiting for a computer program to load. 

Patience is a maturity to show what to control and what to let go. Patience is the ability to stay calm while you are waiting for an outcome that you need or want. It is having learnt what is worth your time. In general, being patient means that you're more likely viewed positively by your co-workers and managers (and your family and friends). You'll likely be a better team worker, and more focused and productive. 

You may consider some people to be slow learners, hard to understand, or even downright unreasonable. Or, they may have bad habits that drive you crazy. But losing your patience with them will be of no benefit, and it may make matters worse. 

Patience and understanding towards others is essential when you're onboarding new staff, or when you're delegating tasks. It's also a huge help in dealing with difficult co-workers or managers, and it's central to high-quality customer service. Dashrath Manjhi worked for 22 years alone to make that road. Similarly there is an Indian Forest Man- Jadhav Payeng, who kept working patiently for more than 3 decades and is still working to cultivate a whole forest on a barren land. 

Life of Jadhav Payeng is a fantastic example of human will & commitment. Jadav "Molai" Payeng (born 1963) is an environmental activist and forestry worker from Majuli, popularly known as the Forest Man of India. Over the course of several decades, he has planted and tended trees on a sandbar of the river Brahmaputra turning it into a forest reserve. The forest, called Molai forest after him is located near Kokilamukh of Jorhat, Assam, India and encompasses an area of about 1,360 acres / 550 hectares. In 2015, he was honoured with Padma Shri, the fourth highest civilian award in India. He was born in the indigenous Mising tribe of Assam. I would recommend that you search for him on Youtube and get inspiration from such a simple but committed person. 

Answer these simple questions to know how committed you are: 

1. Are you doing your best you can?
2. Are they one-time effort or continuous?
3. Do you feel fulfilling while making these adjustments, efforts, or sacrifices?
4. Are you focused on your goal? Are you able to manage distractions and temptations?

I think if we honestly answer the above questions, we will have absolute clarity about our commitment levels. Think about it. 

“When confronted with a challenge, the committed heart search for a solution. The undecided heart searches for an escape.” 

- Andy Andrews

Compassion: From Passion to Compassion

In this current competitive world, passion seems to be a necessity to thrive. So much has been spoken and written about the importance of it and rightly so. However, the sign of maturity is when one attains compassion. In passion one may hurt others, but in compassion we help others. In passion, the focus is on self, in compassion the focus is on upliftment of the other. Passion is good and compassion is the best human virtue. 

What kind of a person would you want in your neighborhood, passionate or compassionate? The answer is simple, compassionate. Are you a compassionate neighbor? Don’t you think that the world today needs more compassion than ever before? Most of the world problem can be solved if people, especially world leaders, start practicing compassion passionately.

What exactly is compassion? As per dictionary, ‘sympathetic pity and concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of others’ is called compassion. Compassion motivates people to go out of their way to help the physical, mental, or emotional pains of another and themselves. 

Compassion is a heart quality. We all have it, yes, you read it right, we all are compassionate people and we practice it perfectly. Intrigued? Unbelievable? I understand. We all practice compassion daily towards our own selves, isn’t it? Have you not observed that how quickly we forgive our own mistakes? How easy it is to justify anything and everything that we do or don’t do? The sign of evolution however, is, when we start practicing it towards others too.

So, what is true compassion?

“True compassion is not just a passive emotional feeling, but a firm commitment founded on action.

Compassion is a step ahead to the feeling the pain and the need. If you are moved to take some action, you demonstrate true compassion. Compassion without action is just observation. Compassion is not just feeling for someone who is in pain or need. Therefore, a truly compassionate attitude towards others does not change even if they behave negatively. Through universal altruism, you develop a feeling of responsibility for others: the wish to help them actively to overcome their problems.”

It is about healing others. Completing your task without hurting others – emotionally, mentally, or physically. It’s a hard work! A warm smile, respectful greeting, gesture of care, help, any act of well-being for others same as to yourself is a sign of true compassion. Compassion is a sincere action driven approach to change the situation. If you are going to practice compassion, be prepared to take action.

I had the great fortune and privilege of meeting His Holiness, Dalai Lama, who in my view is the Himalaya of Compassion, an ocean of humility and a brand ambassador of humanity. He lost his freedom at the age of 16, lost his country at the age of 24 and for the last 56 years, has been living in India. He has been in exile and very seldom gets any good news about his country’s independence movement. Yet, you must have never noticed any fiery, aggressive, or hateful speech from him ever. His ever-smiling face, calm and humble demeanor has never changed. He is the living example of compassion. I sincerely admire his simplicity and compassionate attitude even towards his so called enemies. He puts it beautifully in his sayings too.

“Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. 
Without them, humanity cannot survive.” 

~Dalai Lama

Qualities of a compassionate person:

• Sensitivity
• Empathy
• Sympathy
• Giving/helping/contributing
• Forgiveness
• Humility & Gratitude

Sensitivity: We are very sensitive beings, isn’t it? I get very easily offended by sarcastic tone, choice of wrong words, inappropriate gestures of others, but do I take care of these while interacting with others? I want others to focus on my intent/emotion (when I am angry) and neglect my words/behavior but do I provide the same privilege to others? We are excellent lawyers in case of own mistake and punishing judge in case of others. Funny, isn’t it?

Empathy: Has it happened with you sometimes that you found it amusing how someone was shaking head in a very rhythmic way and you were confused about the mental state of that person until you saw a Bluetooth headphone plugged in that person’s ear? You were making judgments on the basis of head movement without being aware of the music being played in head. Similarly, we don’t know what stories or experiences the other may be going through but we are quick to judge on the basis of behavior. We are often unaware of the pain another person carries inside. So, when someone does something that rubs you the wrong way, take a moment and think of this story.

Sympathy: A true story reported in a Reader’s Digest column explains this well. A father and his three children got on a bus in central London. The father was lost in his own thoughts, and the kids, being unsupervised, were loud and disruptive to the other passengers.

Finally, a lady in a nearby seat leaned over to the father and said, “You really need to parent your children better. They are so unruly.” The father, shaken from his reverie, says, “I’m so sorry. Their mother, my wife, just died and we are returning from her funeral. I think we are all a little overwhelmed. I apologize.”

Giving or helping or contributing: In receiving there is pleasure but in giving there is bliss, satisfaction, peace. However, is doing something for others a selfless act?

The answer is ‘Yes and no’.

Yes, because most of the times one must go through some inconvenience and sacrifices to help/heal others. One may not even get any reciprocation from the person who is helped. In that regard, it seems to be selfless. You got nothing in return, except perhaps inconvenience.

No, because whenever we are feeling compassionate, we act out of our own volition to help or heal. In the process we may feel inconvenience, but at the end we get satisfaction, which is much more valuable than instant pleasures. In a way, we trade temporary pleasure with lifetime satisfaction. Isn’t that more profitable? Think about it. Wiser decision for self. Moreover, when we operate out of our own volition to help, we do not expect anything else in reciprocation, not even a thank you and therefore we save ourselves from the vicious cycle of expectations from others. If we think from this perspective it is hugely beneficial act for satisfaction, peace, and tranquility. Not a bad deal at all. 

“Have we ever done anything exclusively for the other?” It cannot be. We always get some psychological, emotional, or spiritual return which are way beyond more valuable than material returns.

Forgiveness: Do you make mistakes? Of course, unintentionally. Do you punish yourself on each mistake or forgive yourself with a warning? How do you deal with other’s mistakes? Forgiveness is a human virtue which helps us to cleanse our system from unnecessary grudges and other negativities.

“Every unpleasant behaviour at a deeper level is a cry for help.” Think about it. 

Whenever anyone (you and I included) fears any kind of loss or helplessness that triggers unpleasant behaviour. Isn’t it? We can clearly understand and appreciate that in our own case, but the real test of compassion is, when we start practicing it with others too. Learn to forgive, retain the lesson, but let go of grudges.

Humility & Gratitude:

A compassionate person feels self as a conduit not as a doer and therefore is always thankful for all experiences. He/she does not label any experience as good or bad rather accept it as divine will. A heart full of gratitude can never boast or complain. Humility becomes a natural trait not pretention (people like me pretend to be humble). Humility is an absence of arrogance. Humility is the ability to see our nothingness and appreciate our minuscule personality in this vast universe.   

My take:

Compassion towards self is natural and compassion towards others is a consciously nurtured behavior. However, with evolution and maturity, when a person is able to see everything as part of self or connected with everything, then compassion becomes our natural behavior. Your destiny is bound with the destinies of others. In the case of family, we do practice it to some extent. Therefore, we need to constantly work on ourselves to go deeper and tap the connection where we feel one with this universe. Then we become compassionate not just towards human beings but plants and animals too. When we feel connected to everything, we also feel responsible for everything. We can’t turn away.

Showing compassion to needy and weak is still easy, but the real challenge is practicing compassion with powerful and arrogant people. “It is the enemy who can truly teach us to practice the virtues of tolerance and compassion” – Dalai Lama.

This Romanian quote aptly provides some basic steps to start practicing compassion:

“Live without pretending, love without depending,

Listen without defending and speak without offending.”

Compassion is an action word with no boundaries.

Disclaimer:

I would just like to clarify that I have not personally reached a stage where I can forgive my enemies and pray for their well-being too. Therefore, I cannot recommend this practice to you too. However, we are not dealing with enemies all the time. In fact, enemies are less, and others are more. We should at least practice compassion towards our family, friends, colleagues, and strangers. Can we do that much? We can certainly try. I have worked on myself and it works. It gives peace and happiness. Of course, do not stop practicing compassion towards self too. We are not perfect, and we shall never be. We shall continue to make mistakes, hopefully new ones. So, learn to forgive yourself too. 

Now that you have read my little understanding on compassion, please show a little compassion in assessing this information. Think about it.

It’s ‘Physical Distancing’ not ‘Social distancing’.

“Words create world inside us. Choose them wisely.”

Almost all of us unconsciously have been using, and repeating, the phrase “social distancing” as a new normal for survival in the current COVID19 era. However, this word is inappropriate and has the potential to cause more harm than good. It was intended to be “Physical Distancing” of 6 feet, but we ended up living, or making others live, in isolation. This un-intentional mistake is playing havoc with mental health and emotional well being. Loneliness is setting in, leading to depression, panic attacks and anxiety disorders. Appropriate use of words can help us to choose our behavior wisely.


We don’t need to socially separate from our family, friends and society. We just need to maintain ‘physical distancing’ and take certain precautions so that we don’t get sick.

Thanks to technology and social media, we are living in times where it is possible to stay connected despite physical distance and geographical boundaries. During this period of quarantine and isolation, it’s become even more important to stay emotionally connected with our loved ones. Staying in touch without physically touching people is important for slowing down the spread of the COVID-19 virus.

Remember to keep your physical distance, but there is no reason to go into hibernation. Step out, reach out, make the effort, be the first to call.

Now we have more time than ever before to stay connected. Isn’t it? There are many things we can do to:

1. Phone calls
2. Whatsapp Calls
3. Video Chats
4. Virtual Group Games
5. Virtual Group Discussions (Book, Movie, People, Situation)
6. Video Games

At the same time, we need to ensure that we practice physical distancing properly so that we remain Virus free and safe.
• Don’t go out unnecessarily:
• Don’t invite people in your house unnecessarily:
• Keep a physical distance of up to 6 feet.
• Keep a hand sanitizer.
• Wash your hands whenever possible.
• Cover your mouth.

From now onwards, stop using the words “social distancing”, instead use “physical distancing”. We need to remain connected by maintaining physical distance. Think about it.

Think before Judging

How would you react if I were to tell you that a person committed suicide within 4 months of winning the highest prize in his profession? Sounds Unbelievable, I know. Let me share with you the tragic end of Pulitzer Price Winner Kevin Carter, a photo journalist. Carter won this prize in April 1994 and committed suicide on 27-07-94. Carter was awarded this prize for the famous picture “The Vulture and The Dying Girl also known as The Struggling girl” which was clicked during coverage of Sudan Famine in March 1993. 

When this picture got published in New York Times on 26/03/93, the whole world got riled up to see the critical situation where people were dying of hunger and diseases. This picture helped the UN to gather more support for helping Sudan people. However, lot of people started criticising Carter for clicking the picture and leaving that child to die. The news paper office was flooded with queries to know the plight of that little girl, who was crawling on ground and vulture in the foreground. People started questioning the ethics and values of Carter who gave preference to clicking the picture rather than taking the girl to nearest UN food station, which was only 2 miles away. Apparently, these accusations and criticism became the reason of guilt and when it became unbearable, Carter decided to end his life at the tender age of 33. He was haunted by the image of dying children and developed a guilt conscience.

I know, you might have also formed some opinion about Carter and people like him. But I would like to give you some more facts about him so that you form an informed opinion rather than jumping to conclusion.

Kevin Carter was born in 1960 in South Africa. It was the time when South Africa was suffering heavily due to racial discrimination and infighting. Constant rioting was a normal affair. Kevan never liked it and always wanted to do something about it.

Kevin joined South Africa Defence Force to serve his country but had to quit the force as he was seen as Pro Black people by his fellow white people. He even attempted suicide at the age of 23 after being sacked from a job. Later, while working at a camera shop he developed the interest in photography.

He became a photojournalist because he felt he needed to document the sickening treatment not only of blacks by whites but between black ethnic groups as well, like those between Xhosas and Zulus.

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Joining ranks with only a few other photojournalists, Carter would step right into the action to get the best shot. A South African newspaper nicknamed the group the Bang-Bang Club. At that time, photographers used the term “bang-bang” to refer to the act of going out to the South African townships to cover the extreme violence happening there.

Emotional detachment allowed Carter and other photojournalists to witness countless tragedies and continue the job. The world’s intense reactions to the vulture photo appeared to be punishment for this necessary trait. Later, it became painfully clear that he hadn’t been detached at all. He had been deeply and fatally affected by the horrors he had witnessed.

By the way, in 2011, the parents of that “Struggling girl” in picture informed the world that the child in picture was actually their boy, Kon Nyong, who had survived by reaching the UN food station and succumbed to fever in 2007.

So, what is your opinion now? I would like to leave you with following questions?
1.     Was Carter an irresponsible and selfish photographer?
2.     Who or what is responsible for his untimely death?
3.  Are we justified in passing judgments about anyone and everyone? What business or credentials do we have to judge someone?
4.     Did Carter’s picture help in saving more lives and brought more help from worldwide?
5.     Should we be more careful in passing comments, especially in criticising other?

 Think! I hope this article will help you to realise the importance of thinking before judging. Thanks….

Contentment

We all get shocked when we hear about the depression and suicide cases of affluent and successful people. Isn’t it ironical that on one hand so called ‘poor & ordinary’ people sell their jewelry, house, land and even their organs to continue living and on the other there are  some so called  “Celebrities” who have loads of money & fame live in depression and at times even take this extreme decision to commit suicide? Why is it that such talented, committed, physically fit and rich people go through these feelings of loneliness (despite having millions of fans, family, friends), anxieties & depression? The feeling of ‘discontentment’ can be one of the major reasons among many other, I guess.  

I watched one YouTube video in which the speaker was emphasizing on importance of commitment and not to get trapped in contentment zone. And I think the explanations were although quite motivating but were incomplete and can be misunderstood which may lead to ugly consequences. Is that so? Does contentment stop you from making efforts & progress? Or lack of contentment can drive you so crazy that you live miserably despite of all possessions and positions? I think we really need to look at this discontentment more deeply rather than just dismissing it. Let me try. 

I am sure we all have those moments where we feel totally restless and upset with life. Sometimes these thoughts & feelings go away quickly, but other times it gets to the point where you have been feeling unfulfilled with your life for weeks, months, and maybe even years. If it becomes a chronic feeling, then we need to look at it carefully. Answer the following questions:

• Do you get hurt easily?

• Do you get angry quite often and easily?

• Do you judge others constantly? 

• Do you also feel being judged? 

• Do you judge yourself frequently?

• Are you suspicious of other’s motives all the time?

• Do you become restless and irritated easily?

• Will you consider yourself to be a selfish or self-obsessed person?

• Do you constantly find something lacking in your life? 

If the answer to above is ‘Yes’, I am afraid you are suffering from discontentment and you must read the complete chapter now.

Most of us are in pursuit of happiness, isn’t it? Anything and everything we do or don’t do, purpose seems to be to attain ‘happiness’. Still, happiness seems to be an ever-elusive target. We hardly see people in constant happy states, isn’t it? Life keeps throwing different challenges at us and we get off balance. 

Many see “contentedness” and “happiness” as one and the same. In many ways, they are. It influences happiness. CONTENTMENT IS THE HIGHEST FORM OF HAPPINESS. 

What is really contentment? 

Contentment is a state of being peaceful and thankful for what you have and where you are in life. It involves acknowledging & appreciating small pleasures of life and living with faith. It is a non-complaining or non-cribbing state. Living with faith does not mean living idle. I shall explain it later. Of course, I am not saying you should simply settle for a life that doesn’t bring you joy. 

Contentment does not mean not being Goal Driven: 

To be a goal-driven person does not mean that you are discontent with life. You can be extremely content with life, with what you have, and with who you are. You accept yourself fully and still you can strive for goals and enjoy a challenge, and at the same time enjoy each moment of the journey with contentment. So, you should continue to dream, set targets and work sincerely – but just remember to be thankful and enjoy the journey of making it happen.

The strange thing about contentment is that it’s possible to feel fulfilled inside yet have outer struggle at the same time. That’s because contentment celebrates the good in your life while simultaneously working through the goals. Whereas happiness may come and go, being content is something you can continually maintain. In the contended state you become more productive and hence chances of you achieving better results are higher. However, in a contended state achievement or failure may not have huge impact on our happiness. 

How to attain contentment state?

Well, this is the biggest question. Although it comes with lot of effort and grace but let me suggest few steps which might help you to get there.

Clarify your Values and Live by Them:

Values are our principles which we believe in. Values are our lighthouse which help in our decision making. Violation of our values makes us discontented. Therefore, one must check his/her actual values. We get to know our real values when they are respected or violated.   Values are essentially what we care about most in life. They provide us with motivation, they give us energy and/or calm us down, and they give us a sense of fulfillment.

When your actions and thoughts are in congruence with your values, you can live authentically. Being your authentic self is ultimately going to provide you with a greater sense of contentment.

Accept yourself and your past:

Have you not seen people discontented with their height, complexion, education, parents and past events? What is the use of all this? It’s good to work on things to make better but being soar and resentful about past doesn’t serve any better future. Isn’t it? Being dis-satisfied with current results is okay but we must not become discontented with ourselves and our past. Learn to accept and appreciate the past. Let’s not crib or complain about something which either can’t be changed or can be worked upon. You and I definitely can’t change the past but maybe we can do something for the future in the present. Let’s do that with contended state.  

Accept yourself totally with your gifts, talents, abilities and limitations too.A contended person pursues goals with patience ,peace and acceptance. 

Remember to also focus on what you ‘have’:

There is no individual on this planet who ‘has’ everything. Something we all feel lacking in lives, isn’t it? But similarly, there is no one who does not ‘have’ anything. The problem with discontented people is they focus too much on what they ‘lack’ and forget what they ‘have’. Always remember your starting point in life, then look at the milestones you have achieved. My suggestion would be maintaining a “Thank You” journal and every day write down the “thank you” moments. Write name of people and events which made your day. 

Focus on polishing your strength:

We spend a lot of our lives trying to change what we don’t like about ourselves. If we aren’t changing them, we’re complaining about them. We all have strengths and weaknesses too. I am all for working on our weaknesses, but one must not forget the strengths and must polish them regularly. We can improve our weak areas for sure, but we can excel in our strength area. It’s difficult to change the mentality that we have to be good at everything, but the reality is that everyone will have their weaknesses. Therefore, one must focus on what I’m not good at? It can be so much more beneficial and productive to continue developing your current strengths. Remember, there will never be a day when you will have no weakness but your strengths when utilized properly can compensate for the weaknesses too. Be contended with certain deficiencies in some skills, knowledge or some part of life. It is never absolute for anyone. Accept it and move on. 

Being intensely involved with detachment: 

As per Shrimad Bhagwad Geeta (Hindu Scripture) a contended person remains 100% involved in activities but is detached from the results. In a contended state you don’t bother much about the results as your actions originate out of choice not compulsions. I am sure most of us must have experienced it that when you are feeling great you will do something great. Isn’t it? But that activity was not the purpose but a mere consequence of that positive & productive state. Similarly, a contended state propels a person to focus on efforts without getting bothered or bogged down by results. What a blissful state that is, isn’t it? People with faith will generally attain this contended state easily as they do not operate out of their Egos (identities). You do your part (role) with 100% dedication & sincerity but once scene is over, you don’t remain in the role, you come back to your natural self. That is the reason these people can live peacefully and are productive too. They don’t get identified with their position and possessions. Contentment means stability of mind.

A contended person can easily be recognized by non-judgmental attitude, soft spoken abilities, gentle smile on face, forgiving nature and humility. However, like any state, it also needs to be checked and maintained daily until it becomes your nature.

Offerings for this Week

Click on the below link to fill up the registration form of the Workshop

Time Management & Prioritization - https://us02web.zoom.us/webinar/register/WN_Fn5pUCccQ9SDZD6Ol8SLNQ

Stress Management - https://us02web.zoom.us/webinar/register/WN__gyW-HhOQ8CKzbKrsk186w

Performance Management - https://us02web.zoom.us/webinar/register/WN_NeZ9lo2UQ6ClGl7C7qliDg

Healthy and Balance Diet series 1 - https://us02web.zoom.us/webinar/register/WN_rL2moR4JQwOElnAMW2usMw

Healthy and Balance Diet series 2 - https://us02web.zoom.us/webinar/register/WN_I_sLT-8xQbmgyYPEVqB0Bw

Role of HR in Covid-19 times series 1 - https://us02web.zoom.us/webinar/register/WN_32_uiwNITY2xNoVPg4KlnA

Role of HR in Covid-19 times series 2 - https://us02web.zoom.us/webinar/register/WN_W-nUMGIcQgCo3QziRf1_Jg

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